You know what? I must have it so wrong. I always thought that when you really love and miss your girlfriend you don't ditch her for your friends I thought that when you're really in to someone you want to go over her house even if it means a bus ride and £2 bus fayre. I thought you wanted to be nice and kind and show her how much she really means to you so she doesn't turn on her heels and walk her ass out of your front door. How wrong am i?
The more i think about it the more angry i get! You were supposed to be seeing me tonight but you call me up last second and tell me your seeing your friends instead! And the reason i didn't stand up for myself? Because if i made you see me you'd just be moody all night and we'd have a shit time.
Thats the thing, you call me immature and say i always have to get my own way, but actually chris, thats you.
I spend my days second guessing your moods so i dont catch you at a bad time, i bottle everything up because i cant talk to you about anything without you getting angry or making me feel like a bad person for feeling the things that i do. I settle for only having sex whenever you want it, because i've gotton so used to trying to make you happy that my own sexual needs dont matter to me anymore. I do everything i can to make you happy even when im sacrificing my own happiness in the process.
And something has literally just dawned on me: if i had any good at all left in my relationship, im pretty sure i wouldnt be writing a blog about it, right? And the thing is, when i think about reasons why i want to stay with Chris, its always things like: i'm scared to be alone, i'll miss his family, i wont know what to do with myself, but none of them are actually 'i love him and he's so great to me'
The thing is, i see people fall in love every day. I see Nat and Keith and i look at how perfect they are and it gives me hope, and then i see Tilly and how strong she is on her own and how determiend she is that there's someone out there who's going to make her happy and that gives me strength. But despite all of these things, despite all the books ive read and movies ive seen, i still dont know if i believe in perfect relatioships. What if its me? What if im the problem and every relationship i have is going to be shit?
I just want the boy who i never have to moan at more than once, because any problems are always fixed, i want the boy who cares enough to listen to me for five minutes when i have a problem, i want the boy who says 'hey, im not perfect, but i'll love you with everything that i am as long as you do the same'
I look at my mum and Gary, and they've been together for five years, and as much as it sickens me to say this, i'm pretty sure that they still have a healthy sex life, something which my year old relationship is lacking! I see the way they look at each other and i know that it's true love. And that reason there alone, is why, despite how much i dislike my step dad sometimes, i would never say anything because he makes my mum so happy. And more importantly, in the FIVE YEARS that Gary has lived with us, i have NEVER seen them argue. Maybe they're just an exception? or maybe im just in the wrong relationship? But either way im at a dead end. i dont know what to do anymore. i have changed everything about myself to make one boy happy, but in the process, im so miserable and my own needs and wants arent being seen to. When do i get a say? when do i get to tell chris what i want in a realtionship? when is he going to change for me?
Apparantly, i dont value myself one little bit, because here i am letting someone walk all over me and change me and tell me who to be.
What do i do? someone, please tell me.
Louise
xox
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