Day Seven

You know what? I must have it so wrong. I always thought that when you really love and miss your girlfriend you don't ditch her for your friends I thought that when you're really in to someone you want to go over her house even if it means a bus ride and £2 bus fayre. I thought you wanted to be nice and kind and show her how much she really means to you so she doesn't turn on her heels and walk her ass out of your front door. How wrong am i?

The more i think about it the more angry i get! You were supposed to be seeing me tonight but you call me up last second and tell me your seeing your friends instead! And the reason i didn't stand up for myself? Because if i made you see me you'd just be moody all night and we'd have a shit time.

Thats the thing, you call me immature and say i always have to get my own way, but actually chris, thats you.

I spend my days second guessing your moods so i dont catch you at a bad time, i bottle everything up because i cant talk to you about anything without you getting angry or making me feel like a bad person for feeling the things that i do. I settle for only having sex whenever you want it, because i've gotton so used to trying to make you happy that my own sexual needs dont matter to me anymore. I do everything i can to make you happy even when im sacrificing my own happiness in the process.

And something has literally just dawned on me: if i had any good at all left in my relationship, im pretty sure i wouldnt be writing a blog about it, right? And the thing is, when i think about reasons why i want to stay with Chris, its always things like: i'm scared to be alone, i'll miss his family, i wont know what to do with myself, but none of them are actually 'i love him and he's so great to me'

The thing is, i see people fall in love every day. I see Nat and Keith and i look at how perfect they are and it gives me hope, and then i see Tilly and how strong she is on her own and how determiend she is that there's someone out there who's going to make her happy and that gives me strength. But despite all of these things, despite all the books ive read and movies ive seen, i still dont know if i believe in perfect relatioships. What if its me? What if im the problem and every relationship i have is going to be shit?

I just want the boy who i never have to moan at more than once, because any problems are always fixed, i want the boy who cares enough to listen to me for five minutes when i have a problem, i want the boy who says 'hey, im not perfect, but i'll love you with everything that i am as long as you do the same'

I look at my mum and Gary, and they've been together for five years, and as much as it sickens me to say this, i'm pretty sure that they still have a healthy sex life, something which my year old relationship is lacking! I see the way they look at each other and i know that it's true love. And that reason there alone, is why, despite how much i dislike my step dad sometimes, i would never say anything because he makes my mum so happy. And more importantly, in the FIVE YEARS  that Gary has lived with us, i have NEVER seen them argue. Maybe they're just an exception? or maybe im just in the wrong relationship? But either way im at a dead end. i dont know what to do anymore. i have changed everything about myself to make one boy happy, but in the process, im so miserable and my own needs and wants arent being seen to. When do i get a say? when do i get to tell chris what i want in a realtionship? when is he going to change for me?

Apparantly, i dont value myself one little bit, because here i am letting someone walk all over me and change me and tell me who to be.

What do i do? someone, please tell me.

Louise
xox

Day Six

Before Chris, i had this boyfriend Andy, and you could call him the one who got away or whatever, but my point is: he was perfect. He treated me amazing. He put up with all my shit andi always felt like i was enough. I felt whole. He never complaiend and he never told me all the bad things about me. He openly loved me and when we disagreed it was our heads not our hearts.

And now im in this relationship with a boy who thrives of hurting me. He loves to make me feel like shit. It makes him feel like a man when he pushes me around and yells, and i used to think it was my fault, that maybe i am a bitch... but if im nicer to chris than i ever was to andy, and andy loved me more than chris is ever going to be capeable of.. how does that work out?

Chris said the other day that it's not enough that im really nice to him, i have to not get jealous and moan less etc. But the thing is, i moan all the time, im fragile and get upset easily, i get jealous and i care about little things.. how am i supposed to change that? Because then i wont be me anymore. Chris wants a girl who is laid back and easy going. someone who loves to go out, someone who never moans.. and i want a boy whos sensitive and caring, who loves me truley and who makes me smile all the time. I dont want a boyfriend who tells me im shit and he never wants sex with me and im rude and all the other insults that chris comes out with.

And i think that just maybe, this shit relationship might not be my fault? So what do i do now?

Louise
xox

Day Five

I'm not fucking stupid you know.
I know you're going to break up with me.
Your so fucking distant all the time and you never want sex with me anymore. You even fucking admitted that it wouldn't bother you if we never had sex again.
I'm trying so fucking hard to be the girl you want me to be. I'm changing so much for you and I'm still not fucking good enough.
You're absolutely breaking my heart.
I'm so fragile and broken and you're being everything but gentle with me.
This 21 days shit is bollocks. I don't need to change, I need to get rid of you, and I've had a year to do it, and if I haven't done it by now, I won't ever be strong enough to walk away, let alone in 21 days.
Fuck you
You absolute piece of shit. You don't fucking deserve me. I do everything for you and you just cut me down and break my fucking heart.
Go wank until your hearts content. You're not getting anything from me anymore.
I'm don't with all of your shit.

Day Four

YOU ABSOLUTE PRICK.
I love how i fail my driving test and you just cant even be bothered to see me because you dont want me to spoil your day. Fuck you.
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
you can fuck right off if you think im making an effort from now on you selfish immature little child.

Day Three

So last night, against my better judgement i stayed over Chris's, and it was actually really nice, when he got moody i just acted like i didnt care and he soon came around and he was actually nicer to me than he had been in months. Although i must admit i checked his texts. Old habits die hard i guess :/

Anyways i have my driving test tomorrow :( and im in no frame of mind to write so..

Louise
xox

Day Two

So today i wasn't the one to text chris first. I let him come to me. And i know this probably doesn't seem like much but it means something to me. And also, he wanted me to go over his after work so i asked him to come and meet me because we both work in the city centre and finish at roughly the same time, but he decided to get a lift because he's lazy and i wasn't prepared to get the bus on my own so i went home. He called me up and apologied and asked me to come over tonight to stay which against my better judgement i'm going to go, but the proof will be in the pudding as they say! I'm going to be calm and argumentitive. And i know this sounds stupid, but he never ever wants to have sex with me anymore, he never initiates it and normally i literally have to beg him but tonight i'm not going to at all. What is Ann Summers for after all! I'm also not going to check his phone at all, i don't care who he's been texting and more importantly i don't want to know anymore. What you don't know can't hurt you.

Louise
xo

Day One

So this is my first post. I feel so far from where i've been. I used to be so laid back and calm and now i just get jealous over everything, even things i shouldnt be jealous of. And i know Chris is wrong for trying to change me, and he doesnt make it any easier on me but i want to change. This is for the better. 21 days from now i want to be able to say 'yeh chris is going downtown tonight and i dont care'. I want to care so much less because loving someone this much is literally killing me. It hurts so much knowing someone doesnt care back as much as they should.

Todays been a bit shit. I've been at work all day, and chris sent me a text this morning telling me to come over but he hasn't contacted me since and i'm just thinking if he wanted to see me badly enough he'd have text me again or something. And plus he never comes over my place, ever and it's so annoying because it feels like i make the effort all the time. Just for once it would be nice if he actually gave enough of a shit about me.

The way i see it is, if you love someone you do everything you can to make them happy. If Chris ever got jealous i'd reassure him so much and make things better for him not tell him he's 'not normal' and say that when i'm 18 i will be going downtown all the time. It's so hard, i just want to know that he cares about me.

But whatever, i'm NOT going to text him first. This is the first step to getting over this shit. I'm going to be laid back and let him come to me. If he wants me he can fucking come and get me.

Louise
x